On a Monday afternoon I learn of A's death. “Did you know A. died yesterday morning? I make the messenger repeat three times. Even after the third time I don't believe him. Sudden death brings a shock of disbelief. A mantra of not wanting to believe; a repetitive rhythm of the deceased name rolling around inside my head, shes dead dead dead... It is now a week later and the mantra of death subsides as reality sinks in and goodbyes are placed upon the graveside.
A. was 9 when we first met. She was the third oldest of 10 siblings and the bravest, most confident. A. came daily to my small flat, up the hill from the bay where she lived. I became fast friends with the whole family and they became a big part of my first few years here in Grenada. A. visited daily to take a swing on the hammock, look for change for mommy, or simply hang out and chat her preciousness; fresh and innocent. Usually she arrived with a stream of brothers and sisters trailing behind. But then there were afternoons when i would have her all to myself. A. was brave. Independent. A leader in her own small yet large world.
I visited the family a few days before Christmas. When i asked about A I was told she wasn't feeling well, she was lying down. Little did i know she was in the back room dying; her mother too ashamed to let me see A. in her last stages of an illness that brings embarrassment, shame and misunderstanding worldwide. A week later my young friend would be dead and i would hear the news on the streets down below from her brother.
I wonder how A. coped with the pain, humiliation, disgrace from dying of an illness that wears a cloak of ignorance; disabling many people the right to die a death of dignity.
“She kill she self” her mom says into the phone wearing fear and despair stoically. At the funeral the Pastor says repeatedly “the wages of sin is death”. and I can't help wonder what sin A. committed. Was A's sin being born a woman with a natural longing for tenderness, affection, acknowledgement? A young person reaching out for some sort of softness in a not so tender male world ? Was A's sin the 'rudenss' she wore as a protective sheild to a hardened world she belonged to; Was A.'s sin 'bad mindedness', a label hurrled at young women who find themselves moving with different male partners or having sex at an early age? Was A's sin poverty, an education that did not tend to her learning needs, a birth order that placed her in the middle of a large family with very little resources?
i hear a murmur of acknowledgement for the Pastor's words regarding grandparents burying the youths and how this is a drastic change from the past when it was the youth burying the elders. I feel a sigh of sorrow amongst the gatherers. I also hear commom statement from behind “the youths today have no discipline, they haunted oui?” I hear often youths being blamed for their own deaths, their own incarcerations, their own 'rudeness', 'misbehaviour' and 'bad mindedness'. I want to hurl the word 'why' out into this world and hope the dialogue will move from blame to reflection?
Why are youth globally searching for more? What are the contexts of their lives? Why do some youths choose unhealthy and deadly paths while others move towards a stronger, more pliable path? Why do some youths choose not to be victims to their hard lives and others fall prey to the violence? Why do some youths become leaders of youth groups and conferences while others become leaders of street gangs and crime? Why do some youths choose unprotected sex over sex with confidence and control?
Every youth has a story that lies within a garden of other stories. When will we as a global family have the time, space, open mind and heart to hear, understand, and help to change these stories so our youths worldwide can begin to understand themselves within a larger context and perhaps gain courage and strength to choose a storyline that reflects the basic goodness we all possess??
I let A. move freely into the spirit world by releasing her from my sadness. I watch a dragonfly flutter by and I know Alice is hovering, giving a sign of hope, a sign of freedom, a sign of change in the air, a sign of goodness that our global youths possess.
Watching A. unfold into the larger goodness of our Youths.
Such sad news. Sad that she lay dying and there was so little acceptance and understanding for a woman having traveled a harden path. How sad it is to think of her as a child so bright and curious and then some years later light extinguished.
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